user's guide to all age music gigs

Many years ago I used to have a pair of earplugs permanently in my black jeans pockets, except when I wore them when attending a rock gig every weekend as a reviewer for the Evening Post, among other publications.

These days most big events are all age gigs. An all age gig merely means that those over 20 can drink alcohol at hugely inflated prices, while 14-year -old girls try to get drinks off their 17-year-old boyfriends if the boys are lucky enough to get through to the drinking area.

I decided to check out Edgefest at the Events Centre last week to see bands from the UK, US, Aussie and NZ. Bands included Elemeno P, POD, P Money, The Living End, Mattafix and Presidents of the USA. It was a good gig - eight hours in length. I attended half of it.I was older than most. Perhaps why one reviewer called it a Big Day Out on trainer wheels.

So here's my recommendation to survive such events.

1. Do not get to the gig early, or on time.The kids are too excited, but nothing is happening. No one your age is there except the sound mixers, bar staff, and security.

2. Go to the pub and have a drink and something to eat. Bar prices at the gig will be inflated so you may as well lubricate early and save money.

3. Arrive late after all the crap bands have finished. Don earplugs.

4. Go straight to the bar so as to avoid the groups of 12-year-old girls who bump into you because they spend more time looking at their cellphones than anything else. If someone offers you a drink always say yes.

5. Leave the venue in between bands to avoid the crap in-between-acts entertainment.

6. Watch where you walk so you don't trip over snogging teenagers.

7.Go back to the bar area and get yourself a good perch with someone you know, near the back. That way you can quickly exit the venue.

8. If a 15-year-old girl asks you to get a drink for them on the way to the bar because they`ve lost their fake ID and their 17-year old boyfriend, make sure they give you $12.00 and go straight to the bar and get two for yourself. Tell them that even though they don't have much clothing between their waist and their neck, and lots of thick make-up between their neck and their forehead, they certainly DON'T look 20.

9. Do not consume Events Centre food - it's bad for your health.You`d actually be better off going to MacDonalds.

10. Do not go into the moshpit unless you are in the front row or want to be kicked in the head by an over-excited 17-year- old.

11. Do not leave the venue until 10 minutes after the last song - that way you wont bump into kids less than half your age/height/shoe size who have no idea what an encore is and have missed the last two songs. They`ll have already left with mummy, who has picked them up.

However, the good thing about gigs these days is that you dont have to wash your clothes when you get home. Smoking is not allowed at gigs any more. Saves even more money....